i am back from IMH yesterday..i stayed in the Sayang Wellness Centre for around 5 days and my father wants me to be discharge...and ytd i slept at 5am+ after two days without sleep..it's always like that, i only can get into when i am really very tired..though i am given pills that help me to get into sleep but i always never take it..

the days at there was stressless, i have thought a lot but i still can't get out of all those annoying problems i have..whenever i am thinking of those problems i will start to tremble and start to cry...

during the first few day, i can't get used to taking 3 meals per day, because i always take 1 meal per day..but i didn't eat much because i don't have the appetite to eat or sometimes when i eat i feel like vomiting.. eh btw i don't few hunger at all for the past 3 years and now also..(except gastric pain)

and everyday the psychiatrist/social worker/psychologist will come to see me..but i just won't speak because i am not ready to actually speak to them and to me i hate talking also..i am quite 'shy' de person but sometimes brave also..i also don't really know myaelf anyway..

recently when i slash i won't feel much pain, so i start to slash harder i also don't know why i do that also..just take it that i am crazy..i am addicted to those pain..sorry for those nonsense that i am speaking now...i also don't know what i am talking now..

on wed night, i really can't sleep feeling quite restless...then there's a nurse call Goh Ai Sze(Cheryl) doing her night shift came in to gave me medicine and she's quite friendly too though there's a few nurse who look fierce..(btw the nurse always come in to check whether you are asleep almost every hour, i know because i always can't sleep though i took sleeping pills) then she ask me whether i want to like talk to her because i look quite unhappy which is true..then i sat on the bed to ponder whether i want to talk to her about my probs..

and finally i decided to speak to her since she actually offers to lend me a listening ears...and i felt very bad to took up her 2 hours time just to listen to my nonsense, but i still have a lot of nonsense never tell her..she gave me some good advices..including not to hurt myself but you know it's kind of hard now because i have been slashing and knocking my head towards the wall for 2 years its become kind of like addicted even though there's quite a lot of people call me to stop those idiotic behaviour..and she actually told the psychiatrist those nonsense that i have told her, i am not angry then but i am thankful that she did that even though my heart isn't willing to let the doc knows about those nonsense...because i know the doc will let my parent know..

so ytd morning i was very very shocked to know that the doc found out about my nonsense...and some more my parent will be coming at a later time in the day...

after seeing the doctor i went straight to my room and start crying like some idiotic person..my heart beat was very fast and i felt like vomiting the breakfast out..so i rushed to the toilet and vomit some food out but i still feel very unwell so i had my fingers into my throat and i vomit more stuff out and went back to bed to cry..

the moment i step out of the sayang wellness centre, i felt very sad because i will have to face those stress(nonsense/probs) that i started to cry again..but my parent don't know that i am crying because i wore my sunglasses and make an effort to cry without any noise..