Thursday, December 31, 2009
I am really scare, because 2010 is coming in several hours from now. I am always sad at the last day of a year. Because I don't know what will happen to me in a new year.
Why do I always have to tolerate all those pain that I am suffering? I ask god why but I always don't have any answer. What wrong had I done to deserve it. In my past life???
I wonder if everyone had forgotten me already? I doubt you all remember. Next time when you all see me please don't ask me how's with my life. Now I will tell you : I AM NOT FINE AT ALL!!!
With all those fears that keeps on circulating in my brain how good can I be? Keep on having different kinds of strange dreams. I think I have lost my sanity.
And something more worst is that now I still don't have confidence to go school. What's wrong with me?? It's gonna be 1-1-10 soon yet I am still like this. I really have no confidence to continue to live on with my damn life. Don't worry if I were to die I will go peacefully without disturbing anyone. Jumping down from high buildings and purposely get into an accident is stupid because my face will be disfigured so I won't do this two act. Even if I were to commit suicide I want to die 'beautifully' though I know I am ugly.
I will update soon again, I will upload those "blogs" I wrote in my microsoft in my mobile.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
damn it!!! Cheated by those advertising gimmick!!! As for the detail I don't wish to say...hais..Stupid me! I should have know that it's just a gimmick and I actually believe it.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
hais... Today I never go to school. Just because I woke up late and I admit that it's just only part of the truth. I also don't know why today I am so reluctant to go, what I can say is that I feel so emo and lonely in school, maybe that's the reason? I also don't know.. When I imagine next year in school it's even more pathetic I think I am going to talk to the air once I open my mouth. The future is so gloomy..
I am especially sad, when teachers give out worksheet for the whole class to do. I will be seeing everyone writing and for me I'll be staring at the paper blankly or I am able to do a few only. Why do I forgot those things that I have studied before?? I really blame myself for all that I did.
And I seem to be unable to stop thinking of slashing, I keep on having the urge to take anything that's sharp to slash or even stab myself. I must be crazy!!!
Today's really a bad day for me, My parent somehow quarrel because I never go to school. And no one talks to me too. It's not their fault that I never go to school but yet my father blame my mother because of it. Do they know that actually I am very reluctant to go to school, right now I am just forcing myself to go. Can someone help me?? I used to love going to school but now it's not. I really want to be back in the past.
Anyway, I still need to go to school for 1 more week then it'll be study break. But now going to school is like wasting my time, I have no time to study. But if I stay at home then I won't have teachers for me to ask questions, but it's still the same because the teachers won't have time for me because their priority is those students who are taking their O-level this year. And during the holidays I have no teachers to ask also, hais....
invisible; xue yi
Monday, September 21, 2009
Ever since Wednesday I have gone back to school, I have been feeling very very stress till now. And I can't control my tears, so I have been crying everyday. The "first day" of my school is quite bad, because everything is so alien to me. I realised that I have already forgotten everything, what the teachers are saying sounds so alien. And I don't know whether is I am too sensitive or I haven't get used to it, the class is so noisy for me. Even during recess I thought that I can have some peaceful time to go thorough the textbook, but I can't because those boys who stay in the classroom start to make so much noise till I feel like killing them. CAN'T THEY JUST SHUT UP????
The next day I never go to school because my right eye got infected, plus I cried too much till my eye swollen like two ping pong ball. I just can't stop crying on Wednesday while I was doing those math questions. I felt sad because as I look at those question I know that I used to be able to do it within minutes and without referring the textbook but yet I have to think about it so long and refer to the textbook.
On Friday I went to school but I keep on crying during lessons. I want to apologise to all my classmates because I may be a nuisance. That day actually I have to stay back for chemistry and physics but I did not. I went back and keep on crying.
Saturday, Sunday and today, I have been busying studying. But the problem is I study very slow, I only manage to study one chapter of one subject everyday. Which is I spent 4 hours on 1 chapter, some more the chapter is like those kind of easy one like 'simultaneous equation', 'kinetic particle theory'..Study the textbook and go thorough worksheet took me 4 hours.
That's why now I am very worry whether if I can finish revising those Sec 3 topics by the end of the year which left three more months in this speed. I have to revise without the help of teachers as it's during the holiday so they won't be able to help me. HOW HOW HOW???? Even if there's people who are willing to help but I still have to waste time travelling to meet the person for just 1 single topic.
And more to be worry for me, next year I'll be joining another class this means that I'll have new classmates and different teachers. I am worry whether if I can get used to it. Different teachers means different style of teaching what if I don't understand? Who am I going to head for help? Classmates? But I don't know them well.. Teachers? But I don't know whether will they be teacher to help me because maybe some teacher that I know well is going to leave this year??Some more I have to deal with the loneliness. Will I have a new friend to teach me if I don't understand and help me collect worksheet for me when I am not around?
Next year, I really hope that I won't have to go for CCA then I will be able to have more time to study and go for tuition.
Now I am very depressed, worry and scared. Who can help me? I have been crying everyday, now even while I am typing I am still crying. I really regret not going to school for this year, just because I am damn scared of failing tests, exams and O-level. Now even though I haven't gone thorough O-level but I am already staying back for 1 more year. Now I really don't know how to overcome this fear and get my studies back on track.
One more thing, which is the consruction site near my flat I am getting crazy because of it also. The knocking and banging, I prey that it will stop in no time. Can't they build faster?
invisible; xue yi (I AM SCARED)
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
It's been a long time since I last update..
I want to thank everyone for your concern..Appreciate it that there is still people caring for me.
This few months I staying at home instead of going school, I think there will be a lot of people will think that I am actually having a good and carefree time because I no need to study for tests and exam. But the fact is that actually I have a psychological war to fight inside my heart, most of the time I spent is quite unhappy because of all the guilt and inferior feeling.
I really don't know what am I doing, since last year I start to become afraid of studying. I am scare that I will flunk all my exams despite I score well. I just ignore those feeling and thought that I can start afresh this year but finally those feeling win the battle in my heart. Now I still haven't get over it and I know clearly that I am just running away from it.
I have one "good news" to announce which is I have decided that I will be back in school tomorrow. Running away can't solve anything so i choose to face it, because I know that I have to prepare for next year in order for me to finish my studies. Now my brain is in the state of being "rusty" so I have to start revising. I hope all friends, classmates and future classmates can treat like me like a coma patient who just regain it conscious and needed help in walking and etc. what I mean is that I hope that people can help me revise even during your holiday, but I know the people in the whole world are not oblige to help me, so I am just hoping. Please don't make a promise with me because promises are meant to be broken. I have already give up on trusting a person because the more i expect the more disappointed I am, it require a long time for me to actually trust a person but not 100% because there is still 0.1% of chance that I might be betray. You might say that I ask for help yet I don't trust the person who render me help, but if that person really want to help and be my friend the person will be sincere to me then. <-- that's what I believe I am still quite uncertain whether I can do it for next year, I hope my willpower will be strong enough to beat the fear. This few months something actually happen that really pull my confidence level down when it's already very low. I actually have to give up all my mini skirts and shorts which I used to love. Now I am left with long pants to wear. So when I see people wearing skirt or short and walk past me, my heart actually hurts quite a lot. "I used to be able to wear that", that's what my brain's thinking. It's not that I am unable to wear it but the problem is that there will be a lot people which will point their fingers at me and discuss behind me, so I will rather be as skinny as I can so that the "shape" of my leg will be good. Recently I start to become obsess with Korean song and documentary. The melody of those Korean sad song really suit me because it's sad enough. Those documentary I like to watch are "Mysteries of the human body", "Three days", "screening humanity" , "VJs on the scene" etc.. For entertainment show: "chitchat of the beautiful ladies" , "Two days and one night"... Plus Korean food too.No matter how spicy it is I will eat though I am scare of spicy food.
invisible ;xue yi
