Wednesday, May 30, 2007
monday was really really bored!!!
stayed at home for the whole day until my tuition start...
further more the living room's door is closed...
my mother doesn't want me to open it...
but in the end i was the one staying at the living room...
it was very dark...
really feel like dying...
there's nothing for me to do...
watching tv was bored as there's nothing nice to watch...
this feeling is like trying to kill me...
i walk from the kitchen then back to my room...
feeling very frustrated with myself...
sometime i feel like taking a lot of painkillers that i bought and i could die...
looking down from the window inside my room...
thinking about a lot of things that change from the past till now...
ytd went to the S'pore expo hall to the food festival with my mother...
shouldn't have go cuz i need to help her take a lot of things...
until my muscle ache now...
walk walk walk...
like got nothing to do...
long time never go out with my family...
i had already forgotten when did we had our breakfast together...
the memories had already faded, and there's only shadow filling in my heart
as the love is gone...
is the world juz filled with coldness???
i went home and found out that i lost my english holiday hw...
i am juz a totally useless person...
even some pieces of worksheet also can't keep it...
today go to sch for the YMCA briefing...
i thought that i need to wait for clara after that cuz she got training...
but it was cancelled so i no need to wait for her...
we went to mac after that...
and there came izyan and shamimi...
i don't know what happen to clara after they came...
she kept on laughing non-stop...
i say one sentence she will laugh like hell...
after that we went to tm and century square...
i bought a pair of earring a letter "x" and "y"...
then we went walking around...
then went home...
i juz don't understand the reason for a person to live...
sometime i thought that some of my friends is juz making use of me...
and they think that i can't sense it...
when i was in pri sch...
people juz make use of me juz because they are short of people
to play games...
i was being left out in class when i was in pri 6...
they never thought about how i felt...
the hurt kept inside my heart for two years...
i am still wondering why...
i am willing to change but you all juz never tell me what's wrong...
i never had a happy childhood...
i confess that i was jealous of them...
they got love from people but they juz don't know how to appreciate...
for now i was still being left out too...
even though it was better then the years when i was in
my pri sch...
i am fear of living...
i am feeling insecure...
i am afraid that the world might change totally after i wake up in the
morning...
i treasure my friends a lot...
but still afraid that one day they might leave me suddenly...
i always thought that i am strong but in fact i am not...
i hate to fake a smile and act as if i had gone crazy like laughing the whole day...
i hate to laugh in front of my family even though i was feeling sad...
i cried every night...
i am juz an useless person...
SAD;xue yi
Monday, May 28, 2007
ytd actually i was suppose to meet ching yee in sch to collect the report bk
but i over slept...
then she called me when i was about to go for a bath...
in the end she went home with her mother...
so i went to collect my report book MYSELF...
from my memory i never remember that my parent had ever go to sch
to collect my report book or watch my performance when i go
to a place to perform...
so i went to the classroom and saw clara's sister outside...
and clara was in the class rm with her mother...
mdm wang call me to go in...
so i collect my report bk and a consent form and went out...
i read the report book then i went to the knowledge zone...
sat down there and think why other people's parent could come...
but not mine, it's always like that...
am i being abandoned???
probably i am not fit to be concern by people or to live in this world...
my result has gone down a bit...
so muz work real hard i don't want to end up in a class
that i don't to be in...
when i was in deep thought...
mdm fauziah suddenly shouted out my name and it's still the
same that i got a shock...
she saw the kind of stress face that i had...
and thought that i fail any subject...
but i never...
so she kept on asking whether i am ok...
and even offer to let me eat her apple, cookies...
but i rejected it and said that i am ok...
but it isn't true that i am ok...
and she said that she can tell from my face that i am not ok...
before she leave she told me that she's looking for ms kanni...
after there sitting for a while i went to buy a can of green tea...
decided to go back to the knowledge zone...
ms kanni shock me by tapping my shoulder frm the back then walk to another
side which i never turn from that way...
today i did nothing...
so i juz stay at home and do nothing...
clara called me to ask about my tuition...
it was boring today!!!
think i am juz a good for nothing...
i never did anything that is good...
tml got tuition...
*siGHsss* so sian...
sometime my parent juz don't know hat i need and what i don't need...
SAD;xue yi
Friday, May 25, 2007
ever since that day i last update my blog the com was spoil...
i don't know how i use until it spoil...
but i was lucky that it was ok when my father use on that night or else he will
scold me and got mad over it...
nothing really happened on the past three days...
got that 'perform art appreciation day'...
it was quite lame actually...
i went for the vocal class and the teacher look like a bamboo stick...
then we had high-tea buffet...
was given a goodies bag...
got a water bottle, pen and a bandanna...
it was damn boring...
for the past few day i am really very angry with myself...
i also don't know why...
i did some self-reflection on why there's so many people that loathe me...
was feeling very down...
now i am really very hot-tempered...
a bit of things i will also become angry which i don't want to...
i juz don't have the courage to live but for the sake of some frens i am still breathing...
i dont't know when will i break down and eventually walk to the end of life...
was afraid that one day there might be no one talking to me anymore...
there's really no point to understand me
when i feel that there's only coldness in this world...
today had nasi lemak for the "BIG breakfast"
was feeling blue for the morning...
the nasi lemak wasn't very nice...
eat half of it and throw it away....
i really don't have the mood to walk around the sch when clara propose it...
so i juz stand there or sit at the bench...
then we went to the hall for the student forum...
it was very boring...
then kim start to tear paper and throw around...
then i took the small pink dog on my bag to put it on zi xuan hair...
but she didn't feel anyting...
i can sense that clara is angry with me...
but i am not sure...
after that we went back to class for area cleaning
bacause tml got the meet the parent session...
but mr teo sent both clara and i to help mdm wang
to put in the result slip into the report book...
after i return to class...
i took picture with mr teo and ching yee they all...
as mr teo i going to leave us....
after that i went to the sushi restaurant with lam yan and ching yee...
then go to phoebe house....
went home at 5pm like that...
think i am going to sch tml even though my parent are not coming
but i got nothing to do so i juz go to sch for fun...
and i don't want to stay at home also...
SAD;xue yi
Monday, May 21, 2007
yesterday stayed at home for the whole day again...
really got nothing to do...
so only read books, watch tv, day dream...(still got a lot of things)
today almost went late for sch...
saw zi xuan and phoebe in front of me...
finally get to know the lit paper result...
so happy i manage to pass it but not with a good grade...
so this means that i pass all my subject... =p
today clara siao siao one...
keep on saying "lame" and "lamer"...
almost everything i do she say lame...
or call me lamer...
think i should bring her to a doctor to check whether she's ok...
maybe tml get more siao...
so scare...
after sch, ching yee, clara , tina , lam yan and i went to KFC
to have our lunch...
i lent clara $2.95...
i bought a bandito pocket meal...
when we eat halfway,
clara went mad again keep on laughing...
i also don't know what she's laughing at...
making all of us so blur...
after that we went to walk around at the pasar malam...(don't know how to spell)
some of the things there is quite expensive...
still got one woman give us attitude...
make me so angry!!!
after that we went to see stickers and puzzles...
i bought a book of hello kitty stickers...
as for the puzzle i want to buy it tml...
clara went home first...
then we went to a shelter playground...
after that i walk tina back home...
then i walk back...
really don't feel like to go home...
but i have got no choice...
juz change a song...
love ya this song...
innocence by avril lavinge...
i really want to be back to my innocence side but it's impossible now...
for now i can only be strong...
it's really difficult...
SAD;xue yi
Saturday, May 19, 2007
friday was so boring...
never bring my house key so i juz stay back in sch to read the book
that clara lent to me...
she can't accompany me cuz she got bball match...
so sit there and be in a daze for sometime...
met tina at the knowledge zone then had a short chat...
then she had to go for her CCA...
after that i went to chat with ms kanni...
whole day was so boring...
got back all the papers except for lit...
manage to pass all subject with a not bad mark the lowest only get C5...
but haven't confirm yet cuz still got lit paper...
but only get 2 A1 but my parent expectation is 3 A1,
then they will buy me a mp4...
when i tell them that i got all my subject they got no expression at all...
and still compare the result with my classmate's result...
keep on asking what's the highest score for my class...
and compare...
hate to be compared!!!
i really wanted to stop slashing stuff which i am doing to myself...
but why are you all keep on forcing me???
since from young, it seems like to my mother only remember things that my
brother had done...saying that he's cute when he was young...and all stuff all
about him...did she ever remember me???
i really don't want to hate my brother or anyone...
but they let me feel like i am abandon...
does it matter whether if i am exist or not???
most of the time after sch i was always very lonely...
no one accompany me...
no one talk to me...
always sitting alone in sch reading my books or walk around outside...
staying at home was like in prison...
most of the time, no one talk to me...
or i juz don't like to talk to anyone of them...
when i wake up today i went for bath...
then go for tuition...
was suppose to reach there by 8 am but i woke up late so i reach there
at around 8.45 am...
today had a revision on simultaneous algebra...
forgot how to do but...
but after doing a few question i start to remember it...
went home at nearly 11am...
bought a bottle of vitagen...
then went home and do nothing...
sleep for a while...
watch tv...
read books...
go online...
i felt very lousy...
why can't i do better for my exam???
what can i do for my friends???
why do the stupid boys in class don't like me???
am i that loathsome to people...
this start to let me hate talking to people...
SAD;xue yi
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
yesterday stay at home the whole day got nothing to do...
then my brother also don't have sch also...
but i no need to face at him for the whole cuz he had gone to my neighbour's house
and go out later...
so i sit down at the sofa to watch tv or listen to songs...
the whole day was so boring...
got nothing to do...
it was raining also, so don't feel like going out...
today thought that i am going to see clara today...
but she never come to sch...
the whole day i still don't know why
until i read her blog...
or else for the whole day i will be thinking whether she's fine anot...
so today got the math trail,
went to the esplanade there...
was group together with kim, ying shan and faizah...
we didn't manage to finish the whole thing...
but it's ok because i doesn't care at all...
almost the whole day i am talking to kim...
talk about craps and nonsense...
went back to sch to watch JUNYUAN SUPERSTAR...
but i think that their singing doesn't live up to standard...
except for a few who is almost reaching...
i am not trying to criticize them but speaking the truth...
after sch went to "cheers" with ching yee' phoebe and zi xuan...
i bought a spring roll to eat while ching yee bought cup noodle...
after that we was like playing a fool...
then we went to ntuc,
i bought DARS dark chocolate and two cans of pringles potato chip...
then they went home...
so i went up to the second floor to buy a cup of bubble tea...
so i went home...
today i am a good girl, went back home early...
LIFE'S REALLY VERY BORING AND MEANINGLESS!!!
SAD;xue yi
Sunday, May 13, 2007
finally the last exam ended on friday already...
not sure can pass for this exam cuz some question i am uncertain...
even though i finish the whole paper...
in the end never go with lam yan they all to bugis...
after exam i go with clara go 800+
actually we intended to have our breakfast at mac but it's close...
so we go 7-11 there to buy cup noodle to eat...
after that i went to her house....
her house quite boring de...
like got nothing to do...
after i wait for her to change for her bball training...
then we go IT club play maple...
i train her but she keep on dying...
after that went back to her house again...
watch tv then we go tm with hua yang...
hua yang very bad take his father $20...
then he bought both of us a thing from mon tip...
after that we walk here walk there...
then go to ntuc to buy soap and orange...
hua yang very good treat both of us sushi from a shop inside the ntuc...
no choice i have to go home early cuz my mother keep on calling me to go home....
saturday i got nothing to do...
then have a tasteless dinner...
really boring...
during dinner no one talk at all...
ytd i went to 800+ there with my father...
i am force to go with him...
we go and buy quite a few things...
then who knows that he will discover the scars on my wrist...
and ask me what's that...
i juz simply on my mp3 louder and act as if i never heard him...
i always thought that the scars is given by them...(the people around me)
but in fact it's actually given by me...
i can't get rid of it, so i juz simply add on...
i think i had think too much...
there's thing that haven't happen but i thought it had already happen...
now i can't tell whether a thing really have happen...
really don't know why my mother want to know what i am doing...
or who i am with...
when i tell her a truth she choose not to believe so what's the point asking...
this's my life not your's...
so what if i die...
today the whole day i got to stay at home
so boring...
got nothing to do...
clara got training so can't ask her to go out...
one more thing to say that is that i really don't have SAP(serious attitude problem)...
it's only that i don't like to call my uncle or auntie or any of relative
when i see them...
and they saying that i have got SAP...
come on i am innocence ok!!!
SAD;xue yi
Thursday, May 10, 2007
today got the sci paper...
some of the question is quite easy but some i can't ans...
overall the paper is quite ok...
but also don't know will pass anot...
scare scare scare...
tml last paper already...
math paper 2...
today after exam i go to knowledge zone with clara...
then we sit there for a long time thinking where to eat...
we start playing again take the whiteboard duster and threaten
each other to make each other face dirty...
then we decided to go mac to eat...
eat finish liao then go back to sch to study the math...
at first i ask her to teach me then in the end become i teach her...
ms kanni walk pass us then talk to ask then go off...
think she going to have lunch...
until 2 pm pus like that clara felt tired so i let sleep there...
so i walk here and there for a couple of time...
go back sit down in see 4 sweets on the table...
so i know it's ms kanni give us one...
cuz her room light is on...
my mother call me a couple of time but i never pick it up
cuz i in sch...
before that i already tell her that i am in sch but she chose not to believe me...
so she call sch and ask ms kanni whether she saw me juz now...
always like that, she will never choose to believe me...
still muz ask someone to prove...
i am not a baby anymore...
juz simply some trusting and freedom should be given to me...
tommorow after exam, ching yee, lam yan and me and don't
know who will be going to bugis...
so sad clara got bball training so can't come with us to watch "200 pound beauty"
hope that i could get very gd marks for all of my papers at least a pass hope so...
good luck to the class and me too!!!
SAD;xue yi
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
ytd got the math and lit exam...
lit paper was quite difficult!!!
i never do a few question...
the mark i throw away total is 10 marks...
scare that i will fail...
as for the math paper one...
it's still ok....
i can still manage it...
but there's one question on map and scale one i don't know how to do...
during recess, clara bought a can of green tea then we go knowledge zone
again to read the formula for math exam...
then she drink finish already she crush it and put on the table...
i don't know why we go take pens to hit the can and table...
who know that mr chew walk pass us and saw me hiting it...
clara already stop liao, later he thought i siao already...
as for clara ms hidaya saw her hiting the cans when she walk pass
us...luckily i already stop liao...or else i will made a fool out of
myself...
as usual she also go home after exam left me alone again...
today i went late for sch again...
i never expect that i will met clara...
she was with medaline...
then that om tan keep on nagging at the late-comers...
today got chinese and geog paper...
the chinese paper i did not finish it....
scare that i will fail...
the geog i finish it on the last min...
i shouldn't had copy the question down but juz write the ans on the fool scape...
today i stay in sch again to do my own sci notebk...
saw ms kanni walk pass me a lot of time...
after doing some of it...
i decided to go food palace to had my so called lunch...
who knows that i will met mr silva and ms kanni again...
so i bought a bowl of dessert and start to revise again...
now it's the really frustrating thing now...
i go home and found out that my bro got go read my blog one...
which i don't want him to...
it's ok for him to read but the problem
is he go tell my mother what i wrote...
but something too bad also is that i didn't really
write out everything that happen to me...
so do you think that you know me???
i think only my very best friends like clara, ching yee and lam yan...
(still got a lot)
will know me the best...
because i will trust them...
to me blog is meant for the public to read
but not any of my family members!!!
what's the worst is that when people read my blog and go
tell one of them...
feel like killing them!!!
better stop now and go eat my "dinner"
and go study...
muz be a guai kia...
SAD;xue yi
Monday, May 7, 2007
today got the english paper 2 and the chinese paper 1...
*SIGHssss*
both paper i did it on time...
but i am still scared that i will fail even though i finish everything...
but i muz believe that i can do it!!!
the english paper was difficult...
the editing was difficult think i never point out every point...
as for the summary i think i also write out of point...
really had got no confidence...
as for the chinese paper think i write out of point for the compo...
as for the letter writing, i write until i cry...
life is really very saddening...*sighS*...
is there a purpose for every human to live???
think have except me...
after the exam,
clara left with medaline to don't know where...
left me alone in sch...
i don't have my house key with me so i juz sit in sch and read the lit bk...
muz wait until got people go back home then can go home...
anyway i also don't want to go home...
so i juz sit at the canteen and the bench near the knowledge zone...
sit until i start to cry...
juz can't get the things into my stupid brain...
i suddenly thought of the show "one litre of tears" a japan show
also a true story...
this show is really saddening...
almost every episodes i cried...
i confess that i m a CRY BABY...
i juz simply love this show!!!
i really need to be more strong and stop crying...
i really try my best for i had done...
but i still don't have confidence...
i also don't know why i really love soft toy...
tink i m still childish...
and hor the friendster right i created my S.H.E fan club then don't who that
person who keep on posting announcement like who wants to see my nudes...
all this stuff...so angry cya!!!better stop that or they will gonna get it from me...
better stop my nonsenses and crap...
got to go back to my studies...
muz fill in more things into my stupid brain...
so that i can pass!!!
i really had got to believe that i could do it...
but it seems like bluffing myself like that saying that i can do it...
but still muz believe in myself...
can't afford to fail...
LIFE IS SADDENING!!!
SAD;xue yi
Saturday, May 5, 2007
tml exam le...
so nervous...
i can't afford to fail my exam...
it means the end of everything...
i really have got no confidence for the exam...
being happy is really very difficult
i can't be like clara who always laugh like siao like that...
i tell her a lame joke she also can laugh until non-stop...
i also don't know why when she laugh i will also follow her laugh...
for me being happy is for a short period of time only...
on friday, go to tm with tina, lam yan and ching yee...
saddening clara never come sch...
she's sick again...
then we go there walk here walk there...
then we went to mini toon, then i go buy sweet...
we also bought the push pop that sweet...
then we eat while we going back to sch for the maths extra lesson...
so childish cya...
got a few peoples keep on looking at us because we so big le
still eat this kind of sweet...
halfway of the lesson, i suddenly got flu like that...
me and clara really got a lot of things that we are common...
she also got sensitive nose like me but her one more worse then mine...
after the lesson, i decided to stay back in sch...
then i took out the sci T/B and start to do my own sci note book...
then i saw ken yeow and julian talking with mr chew
at the bench outside the general office...
i stay until 6pm like that...
then my mother keep on calling my hp...
tell her i still in sch she also don't believe me...
why can't she juz trust me more...?
when i always tell her the truth she will always say that i bluff her...
why almost all the parents is like that...
they like to compare their children...
this probably make my brother hate me more...
and make me like a stupid fool and good for nothing...
today i never go anywhere juz start at home and do my studies...
hoping that i can pass my exam well...
it seem like today i can't fall asleep...
tml i will be like a zombie going to sch...
really tired of living....
i don't know i can still hold on to what time....
UNEEDED;USELESS;GOOD FOR NOTHING!!!!
SAD;xue yi
Thursday, May 3, 2007
tuesday i go out with ching yee, lam yan, julian , ken yeow n wei qing...
actually i don't want to de...but because that day i got noting to do then go out loh...
go safra there, at first they say that ms woo is coming
i thought they are joking but she really come...
got a bit shock like that...
she actually quite fun, even though i got a period of time that i don't like her
ching yee n lam yan always bully me one...
keep on saying i with that stupid jeremy...then don't want to let me talk back...
angry cya!!!
ytd my mother come to sch in the morning to help me to collect my hp...
then i still don't know, so i wait for her after sch...
wait until very late then i call her then she said that she already collect le...
a bit angry n happy...
luckily got clara to accompany me, we also finish the english de reflection...
anyway it's ok for me to wait until very late cuz i everyday also very late then go home...
i really dread going home...
i really feel like running away from home...
hate to go home...
then in the morning my mother also saw the sch counsellor, the counsellor
look at her for noting then my mother got a bit scare...
so she describe to me abt her i laugh until very loud...
today the whole day is very boring...
i feel sad sad for the whole day...
then start slashing myself again, i also don't know why i do that...
i m really very stress until i m numb to the pain...
now i had to offline to go for my tuition...
so sian...
to be dead is better than alive!!!
(note:to frens that are concern of me...i really appreciate that u offer me to go church with u but i already told u i m very busy and i m a free thinker also...so i m not going to believe in any religion...THK U!!!)
SAD;xue yi
