i deliver my deadly speech
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
It's been a long time since I last update..
I want to thank everyone for your concern..Appreciate it that there is still people caring for me.
This few months I staying at home instead of going school, I think there will be a lot of people will think that I am actually having a good and carefree time because I no need to study for tests and exam. But the fact is that actually I have a psychological war to fight inside my heart, most of the time I spent is quite unhappy because of all the guilt and inferior feeling.
I really don't know what am I doing, since last year I start to become afraid of studying. I am scare that I will flunk all my exams despite I score well. I just ignore those feeling and thought that I can start afresh this year but finally those feeling win the battle in my heart. Now I still haven't get over it and I know clearly that I am just running away from it.
I have one "good news" to announce which is I have decided that I will be back in school tomorrow. Running away can't solve anything so i choose to face it, because I know that I have to prepare for next year in order for me to finish my studies. Now my brain is in the state of being "rusty" so I have to start revising. I hope all friends, classmates and future classmates can treat like me like a coma patient who just regain it conscious and needed help in walking and etc. what I mean is that I hope that people can help me revise even during your holiday, but I know the people in the whole world are not oblige to help me, so I am just hoping. Please don't make a promise with me because promises are meant to be broken. I have already give up on trusting a person because the more i expect the more disappointed I am, it require a long time for me to actually trust a person but not 100% because there is still 0.1% of chance that I might be betray. You might say that I ask for help yet I don't trust the person who render me help, but if that person really want to help and be my friend the person will be sincere to me then. <-- that's what I believe I am still quite uncertain whether I can do it for next year, I hope my willpower will be strong enough to beat the fear. This few months something actually happen that really pull my confidence level down when it's already very low. I actually have to give up all my mini skirts and shorts which I used to love. Now I am left with long pants to wear. So when I see people wearing skirt or short and walk past me, my heart actually hurts quite a lot. "I used to be able to wear that", that's what my brain's thinking. It's not that I am unable to wear it but the problem is that there will be a lot people which will point their fingers at me and discuss behind me, so I will rather be as skinny as I can so that the "shape" of my leg will be good. Recently I start to become obsess with Korean song and documentary. The melody of those Korean sad song really suit me because it's sad enough. Those documentary I like to watch are "Mysteries of the human body", "Three days", "screening humanity" , "VJs on the scene" etc.. For entertainment show: "chitchat of the beautiful ladies" , "Two days and one night"... Plus Korean food too.No matter how spicy it is I will eat though I am scare of spicy food.
invisible ;xue yi
died off at: 6:18 PM;
